“We all fall off the bike at some stage in our life. Some recover and go on to fall off over and over again. Some never get back on properly. A couple get the top of a hill on a tandem bike. The woman on the front exclaims, “my goodness that was the hardest hill I’ve ever done” – the guy on the back says “yes, me too, I was so worried that we wouldn’t make it, I kept the brake on to make sure we didn’t roll backward.” Don’t be like that. Make sure you’ve cleared the past properly as you enter a new beautiful love. This book can help.”
PART TWO OF THE BACK ON YOUR BIKE BOOK
The first step is to be attractive.!
To be attractive. I have met men who think that the length of their penis has a great influence on their ability to be attractive and no conversation can convince them that there is anything more to the human condition than this. I have also met women who think that meditating all day in a cave and praying to a guru will make them attractive. Our definition of what will make us attractive is is variable as a seafood curry served from a street to see beautiful people acting stupid, being mean and putting their own and others’ stand in India.
There are so many layers to this conversation. I have a strange button nose. When I look in the mirror I see my nose. When I think about my appearance I worry about my nose. However, when I meet a woman she often says “what beautiful eyes you have.” That just demonstrates how complex the whole physical appearance attraction issue can be. I have been out with and dated some of the most beautiful women who turned out to be the most ugly. And I’ve been out with and dated some of the most physically unappealing women who turned out to be the most beautiful.
I live in Bondi, Australia. The beach here is adorned with beautiful people. Amazing, handsome men and women. But because I live here I get to see their behaviour. It’s been an absolute revelation to those primal stereotypes to see beautiful people acting stupid, being mean and putting their own and others’ lives in danger. There are two sides to everybody. And there are two sides to attraction. !
There is one thing that you can guarantee based on the laws of nature. If you are super attracted to somebody you will eventually experience the other side and be super repelled from them. It may not be instantaneous, it may not be this year, but eventually if you are super attracted to somebody you will be super repelled and this is very important to know when you are single.
If you can remember just this one awareness. That on a physical level if you are super attracted to somebody you will eventually be super repelled from them on a physical level. If you remember this it will take you very quickly up from the gut feel emotional intelligence level of communication to a higher level of unspoken connection. And this is where a attraction starts to become sustainable.
Nobody treats you better than you treat yourself. So if you are defining yourself by your physical appearance then you will define others by their physical appearance. If you are considering yourself to be attractive or unattractive based on your physicality then others will be attracted or not attracted to you based on your physicality. This is a very important awareness especially as time and age starts to creep by. I’m 60, is impossible for me to use my physical appearance to attract a woman unless she’s 80 years old. It’s just not a reality. So if I define myself by my physicality I will feel unattractive. Nobody treats me better than I treat myself so, if I feel unattractive, it becomes real.
I rely on a law of nature which says that nothing is missing. Therefore my physical attraction may not be in my youth but it is there somewhere. Physicality doesn’t have to be limited to my body that can include my work, my heart, my energy, my love of sport, my passion for photography, my kindness, my art, my vision and purpose. This expansion of the definition of my physicality is really important. People are attracted to each other physically but it’s not limited to what they see. There are other senses. There are other areas of life. The key here is that I have to know this not somebody else.
To feel attractive you have to see that there is nothing that needs to change in you. There you might have a strange year or like me strange nose but there are two sides to everything. If you can see your unique characteristics as both strange and beautiful then you will eventually rise up from that awful physicality which is limited to eyesight and gain access to a whole other dimension of yourself and relationships. We know that pride is a terrible emotional troublemaker so we’re not asking you to be proud of your appearance instead it’s about appreciation. Because what you appreciate grows. The more you appreciate your attraction an attractiveness the more others will appreciate it and you won’t have to say a word. This is called personal magnetism.
I’ve tried many techniques two raise people’s personal magnetism. Its difficult to work against a belief that some part of us needs to be changed. People would often say to me when I get this fixed I will feel more attractive and therefore more magnetic. That this is stagnation because there will always be something to fix. You must, to become magnetic realise that there is nothing to change only something to love on the way to achieve that is to see that there are two sides to everything including those things you might think need changing.
But one single aspect of the human dynamic that raises peoples personal magnetism is a vision, inspiration and purpose. The reason this is so powerful is because we rise out of ourselves and expand our boundary. While we’re living in the moment or doing our job playing our role we are confined by the size of our body and the amount of food we eat and the amount of energy we feel. This is resonating with gut feel an emotional intelligence we are what we feel and think. But this is such a minimisation of the possibility of the human condition. Its limited by concepts such as Maslow’s hierarchy who thought self actualisation was the highest achievement of person could reach, all biblical teachings misinterpreted that imply the kingdom within is the highest achievement. Is far wiser to accept that this definition of ourselves is corrupt an draining magnetism. The true definition of the human condition is one that is connected to a far greater sense of existence than self. it easy in theory to have this idea of interconnectedness but the real process that helps people rise up and feel more attractive an magnetic is a vision, inspiration and purpose greater than themselves.
I challenge you to sit down now an right the details of your vision of the next years of your life. Make sure that you use the seven areas of life because of vision must include all seven. Then prioritise these visions from all seven areas based on your values. There you have written what you want. Now let’s move to the next layer and find out what the universe wants because you are not separate. Your vision comes from your emotional intelligence, the sense of separateness, your gut feel the thing you call, you. Now we will work on your inspiration and I challenge you to sit quietly with gratitude and see if you can tap into your inspiration. Remembering that inspiration comes to you not from you and so now automatically even by the attempt to tap into something bigger than yourself you’ve expanded now it’s possible to rewrite your vision to include your inspirations things that have come to you not from you. And finally your purpose.
I mentioned earlier that there are three competing forces in the human anatomy. Mind body and spirit. The body is seeking pleasure, the mind is seeking safety, and the spirit is seeking love. We’ve also mentioned that when these three motivations for your life are contradicting each other it makes it hard the feel good about being yourself. When you feel a loss of control in your life it puts you into the lower levels of intuition and emotional intelligence. You gravitate to ground zero if there is conflict between mind an body and spirit motivation. The way to pull the three together is to find a purpose greater than all three. That’s like leadership that every individual in an organisation will only be led by someone who has a vision greater than all of the parts. To find and yoke your mind motivation, your body motivation and your spirit motivation we find a purpose greater than you.
This is the most powerful personal magnetism skill available. If you are single and you are looking to attract a long-term healthy challenging stressful relationship that will cause you to evolve than this is the secret you’ve been waiting for. Find a purpose greater than you and dedicate your life to a. It doesn’t mean that you become a monk or are celibate. Quite the opposite. What it does is to give you permission to enjoy the motivation of mind body and spirit and yet not become controlled by gut feel and lower emotional unintelligence.
My life purpose is to open hearts. I’ve always done it, even as a kid. When my mum died I was just 3 years old and felt totally responsible for her death. (I was the only family member with her in the car when she fell out the door). So, everyone’s grief became my duty to fix. I’ve been doing that ever since. I love helping people out of the pit of stress, to see daylight when its dark. There is no choice. Even when I was an engineer I was really helping people open their heart and breathe fresh air. In my Purpose Statement I wrote: I do this as a management consultant, speaker, author an teacher. Will do anything and pay any price to do the work my purpose. But this does not stop me having relationships because a relationship can be linked to me doing more of the work that is my purpose. It doesn’t stop me from paddling an ocean kayak because I can link this to my purpose too. Anything I can link to my purpose will thrive an anything that I can’t link to my purpose will not survive. This is not new. Actually from the day you were born to this moment you are reading this you have been on purpose and you have been attracted to anything that helps you live your purpose and you have sabotaged anything that contradicts it. Its your value system hardwired into you that will cause you to do both the most amazing things and some very very unexplainable things. Every relationship you’ve ever started was because it helped you leave your purpose and every relationship you’ve ever stopped or had stopped, was taking you away from it. If you want to be magnetic then I strongly recommend you follow nature’s guide and find your purpose. Everything in nature has a purpose, a unique purpose, and in understanding this purpose the rise up to be bigger than you.
From time to time I work with clients who struggle with their purpose statement. I want to share this with you because it’s important for you to understand why, if you are struggling with the expression of your purpose, this could happen. When the ego or definition of self becomes concreted and the primary focus of a person’s life (seeking pleasure avoiding pain) purpose is like the dentist. The drill is ready, the tooth needs to be fixed, but fear keeps the patient at home. Your ego is not your enemy. It is a friend. It can work with you. But a purpose takes you beyond your ego. Remember what we said earlier “it’s a purpose greater than you.” That you that we are talking about is your ego and it has been very good friend for a very long time protecting you an guiding you. It is your emotional intelligence and gut feel intuition.
However. sometimes the ego thinks there is something to fear and so it closes down and won’t allow a vision, dream or purpose to be expressed in the conscious mind. The cause is simply stress that has not been processed and most likely it is a memory of a stress rather than current reality. This is why I created the first step of the back on track program to be “discard.” Its review of the thoughts, emotions and feelings of major events over the past years of your life to make sure there is nothing stuck an previous stress is not holding you back from the beautiful future you deserve and a beautiful relationship. It’s impossible to guess what that previous stress could be. It’s not worthy of therapy or some major intervention by a psychologist. Simply it’s one thought that stuck and what we need to do using the discard process is to sift through the haystack and find the needle. It does take a few days but it’s worth it.
The second step is to have something that somebody else wants.!
It would seem pretty obvious that to be attractive to someone you must have something that they want. And this too is a part of nature’s law. What you appreciate grows. If you appreciate something in someone … they grow…they feel better … you create attraction. But there’s a small provision. They have to appreciate your appreciation. Confused?
Lets say a beggar comes up to you and praises your wealth. How would you feel? Probably suspicious, or at the least their appreciation would not make much impact. So, we receive compliments and passes from people who have something we value, credentials we allocate, quite randomly.
Here’s an example: you are sitting at a bar and the person next to you compliments your shoes. You are aware that they have a boogie dripping out of their nose, down onto their top lip. It’s green.. you shudder and you ignore the comment. Yuk… a boogie. Now, replay the scene, you are sitting at a bar and the person next to you is a handsome, well dressed and polite individual who is in some way, attractive. Your face flushes with embarrassment and you smile warmly with a thank you hoping your thank you bridges the rift and starts an exploration. The big difference here is that the second “boogieless” person, maybe even the same person with clean nose, has something you want. !
Imagine the complexity trying to work out what makes you attracted to someone? Start with the physical, the gut feel and you’ll note that there are certain physical traits that turn you off and on. Then move to emotional intelligence, or unintelligence, and you’ll find a whole bundle of emotional attractions and distractions. It’s a minefield because every emotional attraction is going to be eventually balanced by a a distraction. Remember, there’s two sides to every story.
So, what I’ve just gone through is the cause of 90% of relationship start-ups, failures and the vast reason why most single people who don’t want to be single, stay single. The executive summary? Judgement.
Judgements cause physical and emotional attraction and distraction. What you just saw was how much energy can get blown away messing around and trusting your gut. Your gut is not smart, it’s exactly the same intelligence as a dog’s instincts. If you put a bone on one side of a busy street and a dog on the other, the dog knows little more than to sprint across the road irrespective of what’s in the path of danger.
Gut feel and emotional intelligence in relationship and business is about as intelligent as a dog on heat. There is natural instinct in this gut feel that attracts all sorts of complications. Judgements are behind gut feel and emotions. You have a right to your judgements but when it comes to love, relationships and sustainability, they are about as healthy to rely on as a New York Stock Broker. I’d rather put my head in a crocodile’s mouth than trust my gut.
Again, lets be really clear here. Trusting your gut is better than trusting some sort of fundamentalist philosophy that’s been handed to you in the form of a “should and shouldn’t list.” But your gut is going to be attracted to the same thing, in different forms, over and over and over again. Your gut
feel is better than laws and rules but it’s all based on judgement and your identity, judgements are really the restriction of your relationships, not the enlightenment you are looking for.
You can change your judgements and as a consequence change your gut feel, change your emotional unintelligence and rise up into your heart more in order to attract a different type or style of individual. The safest way to do this is to do, as previously mentioned, the discard on your history. That’s not complex. Simply write down the 12 people who have influenced your life most (positively and negatively) – then for each person list their good traits and their bad (there must be a balance of both at around 100 per person is ideal but if you’re the lazy style, 20 would be a minimum). Then, simply write next to every positive how that had a negative influence on you and next to every negative how that had a positive influence on you. Remember, to change your heart, mind and spirit simply prove over and over again, that there are two sides to everything, including things that people say are bad.
The more you do this, the less your emotional unintelligence and gut feel will drive you toward people in the belief that they have something you want. You will get more and more appreciative for what you’ve got, both appreciating the negative and the positive. Not wanting to fix you or change you simply learning to live in your skin you will become a better person, more attractive.
Nobody can appreciate you more than you. I’m not talking about getting all proud of you, no, we’re meaning thankful and humble and really like stopping all this emotional rhetoric that gets you down and self-critical. Nobody beats you up more than you, so stop. Don’t stop by force, stop because there’s something to be thankful for in everything you are. Find that… and then enjoy your being.
It goes into material assets too. So, we’ve focussed on body and mind, but what about spirit? You will be attracted to people who “FIT” into your future visions. That’s the revelation when you can rise out of your animal instinct and body mind attractions and get into your spirit. You will get attracted to, chemically aroused by, people who support your future dreams, plans and ideas.
That’s value based relationships. It’s more powerful than love as a magnet. If Jane meets Peter and they seem to be chemically connected, they might or might not have sex early. It’s their decision on that but really, in the long term, that doesn’t matter except for moral ideals. What matters in the long term is when the gut feel and emotional unintelligence come back to reality, (that there’s two sides to everything and everyone) then the question is beyond body and mind thinking. It becomes spirit thinking … “what are you going to bring of value into the future I imagine for myself?” That’s spirit talking and there’s nothing more powerful than that (once the hormones settle down).
So, you want to be attractive to someone, I mean deeply beyond sex and emotional chemistry, then you need to be aware of their dreams. For example: if you are a 50 year old man and you’ve been married and had children you might not want to have more children but you might also be attracted to a 34 year old woman without children. It’s highly probably she will want kids so, even though your relationship might get off to a chemical start, with lots of romance, dinners and sexy times the inevitable will surface… what about the future.
You might be a woman and you have children and meet a younger guy and think wow, young, sexy and great looking. It might, chemically fill your gut feel needs, your emotional intelligence and that might be all you need in a partner. You might have other people filling the future for you, like managers, agents, business coaches, yoga teachers, father, mother, brother, sister, church or sport.
You might have your future so sewn up with support that all you need from a relationship is gut feel, body and mind satisfaction. So, that guy is perfect. That is, of course, as long as you realise he is probably the opposite. He’s probably got his gut feel and emotional levels of life sorted out before he met you with spiritual teachers, yoga practice, family, friends and ex partners and what he needs is future, future and future. That’s one of those scenarios where opposites match. At least they match unless something changes… like uncertainty in your future and emotional instability in his present. Then, there will be struggle.
If you want to make the next relationship different to the last then make what you are dreaming to create in your life different than before. For example: if you live in the city, think about living in the country, or another country, or if you have been working for someone think about starting your own business. Then, sort through your judgements as we’ve mentioned earlier and that’s it. You will be dreaming a different dream (make sure it’s a real dream) and you be attracted to a whole new echelon of people, not so much on looks or emotional needs. That’s magnetics.
So here’s the challenge:!
Create four columns
Make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner in the first column
In the second column next to that list item write the opposite quality (if you wrote handsome – the opposite is ugly)
In the third column write the benefit of the trait in the second column
In the fourth column write the downside of the trait in the first column
This helps you to rise out of gut and emotion in meeting people.
Challenge number 2.
Write yourself a vision… a dream list or in more boring language a bucket list for the next 5 years. Each item you write down sit still, close your eyes and visualise you and your partner involved in it. As you visualise make a special note of smells, tastes, sounds, feels and scenery.
As you visualise, make a humming sound that you can remember — eventually just humming that sound will associate the experience of the visioning… and send out magnetism.
People are attracted to you based on what you can do for them!
The key awareness in a relationship is that you are not just there for your need. You are there to make someone else, feel good. That’s a pretty low gut feel, emotionally intelligent perspective but really, if your partner doesn’t feel better because they know you, why are they still there?
Now if you don’t feel good when you wake up, then it’s nearly impossible to remember why you are in a relationship other than to have someone make you feel good. That’s why many relationships fail. People forget to look after themselves, they don’t “feel good” and as a result, they start depending on the relationship to make them feel good. That’s when things go “pear shaped.”
Giving, or generosity in a relationship is not a guarantee that you will make a person feel good. Unless your generosity and kindness leads them to a state of inner gratitude, inner humbleness. So, you can give your ass away, you can slave night and day, you can bend over backward for someone but if they don’t value what you are giving them as precious, if they don’t feel inner gratitude and inner humbleness for your giving, then it’s worthless to them.
The way to cause others to value what you give them is for you to value what you give them. To give without value is to receive without value. In other words if you just give someone money and you don’t care about it much, then there’s a likelihood they will spend it quickly. What comes cheap, goes cheap, including your time and effort.
This is important. Sometimes we give and think “wow aren’t I amazing, look what I am giving them. Aren’t I just a wonderful lover” but we are giving but they are not valuing. This is most important. If they don’t appreciate what you are giving, then what you are giving is of no value.
Sometimes we miss the target on giving. We give a lot but it’s not really what our partner wants, it’s what we want. I remember being with a partner and she gave me so much mothering and caring and I didn’t really want mothering and caring, it was smothering and constrictive in that volume. Really, what she wanted from me was fathering, and she thought that’s how she would exchange for it. She gave what she valued.
So, to create attraction in a relationship you have to give someone what makes them thankful and if they aren’t thankful, stop giving. Its a supply and demand thing, if you give more than they need, the price goes down.
That’s why honeymoons are so great. We naturally want to feed pleasure (short term) to our partner and we naturally fantasise about satisfying each other’s long term needs too. So there’s appreciation, gratitude and humility.
But the honeymoon can soon die out when people forget to be thankful. They might start taking you or you might start taking them for granted. That’s why, in love and work, it’s wise to hold something back.
I live in the eastern suburbs of Sydney. I meet many people who are building or buying a new home around the area. It’s affluent around here and it’s hard for people to hold inner gratitude or inner humbleness. The new renovation or new house construction is often relegated to a necessity, rather than a real privilege. When I get back from Nepal where orphans can be cared for on about $10 a week, I can’t help but see these multimillion dollar investments as amazing privilege.
It’s against nature’s law for a relationship to survive when someone starts to take what they get for granted. Life becomes a complacency and this, in nature is against the growth, against the flow, counter intuitive.
When your partner starts to take you for granted then it means you are taking you for granted. You can see this as being very important on a date. If you are not treated with respect, like if they talk on the phone over dinner or come to a date tired from work. Don’t bend, don’t flex, just go home and leave the whole dynamic alone. There are plenty of people who will respect and value you once you work out why you are devaluing yourself. Devaluing yourself is easy to detect. If you put someone on a pedestal, thinking they are better than you, then you’re in the poo.
If you infatuate your partner and think you are so lucky to have them, then they will take you for granted because your infatuation with them reveals that you are taking you for granted. You can only get infatuated with a partner or potential partner if you resent yourself. If you think you aren’t good enough for them at some level.
When a guy infatuates a woman for example, or even their potential partner who is still in their head, they are using that relationship to make themselves feel good against a backdrop of self depreciation. It means, in this example, the guy is putting himself down, seeing themselves as super vulnerable with this partner because if they stop being generous, in this relationship, the partner would leave. That’s why people get taken for granted. They are afraid of losing their partner because they just don’t feel worthy.
So you’re really wise to not infatuate your partner or potential partner. To see that you are a beautiful human and nothing is missing in your life. This is the foundation of a great relationship and the lack of it is why relationships fail. Ironic isn’t it that what many people do out of fear of losing a relationship is really what causes them to end.
When you have inner gratitude, inner humbleness for yourself you turn up in a relationship thankful, mostly thankful for you, your life, your vision. And from that place you can share your love and generosity, rather than work your arse off to earn it.
Sharing love and generosity is different to giving it. Sharing means you have plenty. The key here is to make sure all seven areas of your life are balanced.
The key to attraction is giving people what THEY want. But the key to giving people what they want without getting walked on and have your generosity abused is to come from a place of abundance. If you can create a self-awareness that is based on inner gratitude, inner humbleness for what you’ve got, what you are, what you do, what you give, for where you are going, where you have been, why you are here and the person you are, then, from that, there can be no abuse or taking for granted. Call it spiritual stuff or just plain common sense, but ultimately, you can’t give what you haven’t got, and what people want from you is to feel good, and it’s hard to do good and give good if you don’t feel good in yourself.
You are a Magnet – Make Sure You Turn It ON in the Right direction!
“People who find, live in and sustain a great relationship are asked to write a personal plan for themselves. They are asked to define their dreams, their goals, their fears their infatuations. In other words great leaders support and challenge each and every individual to get to know and understand themselves better.”!
You are a magnet to a loving person who needs what you’ve got. Maybe it’s your eggs or your sperm, or your money or your affection. It doesn’t matter. You are a magnet because you’ve got what someone else wants. The more that exists on the three levels of body, mind and spirit the more sexually and mentally and spiritually engaged your prospective partners will be.
The key is to know you’ve got it. If you think that what you think about what you’ve got doesn’t matter you’re right. You might think you haven’t got much to offer someone, and guess what? You are right. You haven’t. It’s not that you don’t have anything to offer, it’s the fact that you deny it that makes it real.
You could be wiser to consider nature’s laws and recognise that nobody treats you better than you treat yourself. If you go through life thinking you haven’t got much to offer, you are right. If you go through life being thankful for the gift of your life, your work, your health, your wisdom, people will flock around you. This is personal magnetism and the first step in creating a magnetic relationship – you have to turn the magnet system on.
Pride is an ugly thing, so that’s not what we’re talking about here. You’d be wise to avoid pride. Pride is separation from nature. Proud people stay single and become single. Thankful people get married and stay that way. You will already know that thankfulness for your partner makes them horny and electric for you, compliments, credit and letting them win arguments are the keys to that romantic path. But that’s just a fraction. Thankfulness must be mostly for what you’re able to contribute to the world, your work and therefore a family.
So, lets look at being thankful for what you’ve got.
- If you think you are unattractive you’ll look for someone who you think is attractive
- If you think you are poor you’ll look for someone who is wealthy
- If you think you are dumb you’ll look for someone who is smart
- If you think you are irresponsible you’ll look for someone who is super responsible
- If you think you are lazy you’ll look for someone who is diligent
- If you think you are not creative you’ll look for someone who is creative
- If you think you are insecure you’ll look for someone who is secure
- If you come from a broken home you’ll look for someone who is going to create a home
- If you fear failure you’ll look for someone who is strong and supportive
- If you have had a heartbreak you’ll look for someone who you can manipulate and control. !
- This list goes on and on… you look for someone who has what you haven’t got.
This is a recipe for disaster and it is very un-magnetic. It means you are focussing on what you want from someone else to make you feel complete, feel good and the trouble is that it’s unsustainable. Everyone, and everything has two sides and everything you might be looking to get from someone in the list above, they will also have and provide the exact opposite quality. You just might not see that opposite quality until the first baby is born or whatever landmark their “attraction” was primarily based on.