“People who said they wanted to either find or improve their current relationship – in other words – live in and sustain a great relationship – were asked to write a personal plan for themselves. They were asked to define their dreams, their goals, their fears their infatuations. Most couldn’t. And then they were asked why anyone would want to be attracted to someone who didn’t have a dream, an aspiration or ambition for life. The answers were interesting but irrelevant.”
You are a magnetic loving person. But you are even more magnetic to another loving person if they can link your dreams to theirs. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a temporary dream (temporary relationship) or a massive dream (sustainable relationship) you are committed to. You are a magnet because you’ve got a dream. The bigger the dream, the bigger the magnetism.
Dreams can be measured. It’s not hard to measure your dreams:
First, measure the length of time your dreams extend for. An example of a short dream, (short relationship) might be – “I’d love to buy a blue car.” An example of a long dream (long relationship) might be “I’d love to build a foundation that continues after I die.”
Second, measure how many people get impacted by your dream. An example of a small dream (small relationship) might be “I want $10,000,000 in property so I am wealthy” – an example of a big dream (big relationship) might be “I want $10,000,000 so I can raise awareness of women’s issues in business and life”
Third, is it a fantasy (fantasy relationship) or real (loving relationship). An example of a fantasy dream might be “I want to stop being poor and make money, I want to get over this misery and have fun, I want to make a family before I’m 40, and I want to get out of this rotten city and retire to the coast and enjoy the fresh air away from all these money hungry people.” An example of a real dream might be “I love where I am, and the job I have and I want to continue to work doing what I love and make money, while keeping on enjoying life, bringing up a family, and work from different locations around the world.”
If you go through life thinking you haven’t got much to offer, then your dreams will be small or they will be fantasies or they will be very self gratifying and short. Then, your prophecy will become self fulfilling because those dreams will not magnetise your partner and send them running.
Alternatively, if you go through life being thankful for the gift of your life, your work, your health, your wisdom, people will flock around you. This is personal magnetism and the first step in creating a magnetic relationship – you have to turn the magnet system on by recognising the possibilities of your life while being thankful for what you’ve got in your life.
Being thankful for what you’ve got and being proud of what you’ve got are two very different things. If you start taking credit for what you create you will also take blame for what you don’t create and they will balance. Better to be thankful for what you achieve and let the credit go to something outside of you (creator or universe etc).
Pride is individuality, it is totally a separation from nature. Proud people stay single and become single. Thankful people get married and stay that way. You will already know that thankfulness for your partner makes them horny and electric for you, compliments, credit and letting them win arguments are the keys to that romantic path. But that’s just a fraction. Thankfulness must be mostly for what you’re able to contribute to the world, your work and therefore a family.
So, lets look at being thankful for what you’ve got.
If you think you are unattractive you’ll look for someone who you think is attractive
If you think you are poor you’ll look for someone who is wealthy
If you think you are dumb you’ll look for someone who is smart
If you think you are irresponsible you’ll look for someone who is super responsible
If you think you are lazy you’ll look for someone who is diligent
If you think you are not creative you’ll look for someone who is creative
If you think you are insecure you’ll look for someone who is secure
If you come from a broken home you’ll look for someone who is going to create a home
If you fear failure you’ll look for someone who is strong and supportive
If you have had a heartbreak you’ll look for someone who you can manipulate and control.
This list goes on and on… you look for someone who has what you haven’t got.
Dream matching is one of the most important elements of feeling in-love with someone. An example that is controversial is that there are a lot of women who have left their baby birthing to their mid to late thirties, and prioritised their careers and fun until then. So, it’s very understandable that when someone who really does want a baby meets someone for a date, they are asking themselves “will they make a baby with me?” This dream matching is very normal and natural.
Things that turn off your Personal Magnet are:
- Hating your job
- Alcohol and substance
- Too little exercise
- Poor attention to environment (see next chapter)
- Worry and stress
- Time poor for silence
- Too much internet and TV
- Being alone
- Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
The Number 1. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Hating your job
The law of interconnectedness in nature frees you up to break down the barriers between one area of your life and another. In nature, it is impossible to be bipolar – that’s a human idea. In nature one pole creates the other, there are always two sides to everything. You know that now. So, a job you hate creates a polar position in your life, and sets up some other area of your life to balance it. That other area is often relationship. Love is not the opposite to hate. The opposite to hate is infatuation. Infatuation means to gush, to be overwhelmed with excitement, to have a childlike enthusiasm. And you know how that’s going to end because there is no such sustainable place in the whole, entire universe. So, a job you hate doesn’t create a relationship you love, it creates a relationship you infatuate and that means, in simple emotional unintelligence and gut feel levels of life, heartbreak, Over and over and over. So, to magnetise yourself – love your work and recognise that the partitions between one area of your life and another are fictitious. If you set up polarities then recognise them. If you love your sport and get a whole heap of excitement from it, plan to have something in another area of your life not feel rewarding. You can’t avoid balance in your life. Instead, maybe you can balance each area of your life. Have the ups and downs in your sport and ups and downs in your relationship and ups and downs in your work. Then you can separate what you like and dislike from what you love. Love, in nature, means support and challenge. So, if you like and dislike something, then if you are aware, you know that you love it. That might contradict some of your more gut feel and emotional intelligence paradigms (body and mind levels of thinking) but it will compliment your spirit level (vision, inspiration and purpose) which is all about creating the future you’ll be living soon.
The Number 2. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Lethargy (unfinished depression, grief, anger, frustration and hopelessness)
I have discovered from hundreds of consults with single people that there’s a disconnect between reality and fantasy that makes being in a relationship really difficult. Lets begin by making the most wonderful discovery, “Nature demands that we be in a relationship” so you are never single. This contradicts so much of what people perceive to be reality. People say to me “I’m single” but that’s just impossible. The thing is however, nature doesn’t really care what you call a relationship. She’s not at all invested in what you relate to. For example: you might have a dog and love that animal with so much affection and yet you might not have a life partner. You are not single you are in a relationship and that’s perfect unless you walk around thinking that the dog doesn’t count. It does. Another example, really common, is a parent. You might meet the perfect person and they might say they are totally ready to fall in love and be in a partnership with you but you suddenly notice that their dynamic with their parents is extremely co-dependant. I’ve met women in coaching who are over 40 and yet they seek permission and approval from their parents. These people are not single, they are in relationships already. So any attempt to find a life partner will only be partial. Some piece of them is AWOL, (absent without leave) and is attached to mum or dad. These existing relationships can be extremely strong even though the individual says they are single, they are not single. Other examples include: children from past relationships, church groups, money, work, pride and audiences (fans). But the most difficult to deal with is not in that list so far. The most difficult relationship that single people can be in, is with themselves. This terrible addiction can be to their youth, a lost dream, victimhood, anger at someone, disappointment in life itself, and frustration. Those are addictions to emotions and they are so often endorsed by attending yoga classes, save the whales groups, eat organic clubs and more. Those addictions need empathy and sympathy and it’s often found in the more esoteric “world peace” communities. There are few things more toxic to a new form of relationship (life partner) that the addiction to the old form. That can be, as mentioned, an ex, or family, a cat or dog, but the worst of it, is the hidden attachment to an emotional story about life and the past. All anger, depression, grief and frustration comes from attachment to the past, and those attachments and the stories that create them can block new attachments, they are the love of that person’s life. To prove that, just try questioning the stories…. as I must… and see how much people invest in emotional concrete. It’s really demagnetising to hold those emotional and other attachments. Letting them go must come before the new arrives. If you have been single for more than 3 months, be 100% guaranteed you are not single, you are attached to someone, something, some story, somewhere and it may be wise to deal with that.
Start with your early experiences in your family and then move through your romantic relationship history. Develop awareness for how love patterns from childhood are repeating in your adult romantic relationships. When being cared for in childhood meant dismissal, rejection or invalidation, people are more likely to choose partners with these same traits. Familiarity can feel like love, even when it is not. As you carefully develop awareness of your love history and how your needs went met or unmet, you will develop a greater ability to see others as they really are. Ask yourself if in your adult relationships you are playing the same role you did as a child? Have you adopted the role of one of your parents or even the role you played in a previous romantic relationship? Become fully aware of who you are choosing to become romantic with and assess whether they remind you of a dysfunctional relationship from your past. Learn to take time to get to know people who treat you well and make you feel good. Surround yourself with friends or family who are compassionate and kind toward you.
The Number 3. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Overweight
I don’t know what overweight is. I don’t know where right weight is. Nature doesn’t have a pictorial map that says you should or shouldn’t carry fat. I suspect that in winter we should all carry more fat than summer, so I suspect our ideal weight will fluctuate a few kg. The key however, is not what your weight is, but rather whether you are putting on weight. If you were 70kg and now you are 110kg over 5 years, I’d predict that your relationship energy is mostly being consumed, eating yourself, or drinking yourself, to death. Putting on weight is a relationship disaster. It is proof to you that you are storing a friend inside your skin, a protector, a nurturer, a security blanket, and for some people, it seems they are storing a whole community in there. All you need to remember is that your body weight gets between you and love. It’s not about love for yourself or love for someone, it’s about emotional protection, that’s all that extra weight is about. If you think you need protection then you are in your gut feel or emotional unintelligence. Be wiser to recognise the cost of fat to your capacity to turn up with an open heart. Overweight is only protecting your heart – but from what? What would nature do to hurt you that didn’t help you. Nature would never do that. Maybe it’s time to get back the trust you had in the universe, god or nature and take back some that you threw at someone else. Trust is best put where trust is true. Human nature can be trusted but never trust emotions or gut feel both of which are expressed in words. Words cannot be trusted, because they come from the polarity of gut feel and emotion… both are half stories. Remember, there are two sides to everything, including your stories.
The Number 4. Thing that turns off your Magnet is Alcohol and substance abuse
Single people drink more than double. Double people have each other to breathe on at night, fart on when their stomach gets bloated, stumble on when they are drunk and argue with when their head is out of control. So, double people usually don’t drink too much, they know it affects their love life too. But single people, who don’t share a bed, can drink themselves into a stupor, fart under the sheets and burp disgusting alcohol all over the house without fear of reprisal. So, you can tell single people from double people. They drink and take drugs more. But lets be really mindful. There are a huge number of double people who are single. If a person walks around a home that they share with their partner and farts and burps and doesn’t give a shot about their partner’s experience, then they are a single person using a relationship to avoid a fear. Relationships that are used to avoid a fear are ok, as long as both agree that there’s a low level of “spirit” element and a high level of the “body – mind” element in the satisfaction they achieve. I mean to say, sometimes people just want a convenience. You see them together and they are unaffectionate, quarrel a lot, drink a lot, eat a lot and go on expensive holidays that they usually report were disasters in some way or another. These relationships cause people to die young because the issues breed stress and that stress is gradually eating away at their existence. Nature won’t allow relationships to be unproductive, so all the tension and drama is productive. Ultimately it might cause both people to become conscious of their purpose and step forward. There’s no rush because that couple might, on their death bed, realise the depth of love they were holding but couldn’t express.
The Number 5. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Too little exercise
I once asked a client who had been single for a while, and wanted a relationship badly, what they were missing in their life and why they were so hungry for a relationship. The answer she said was “sex… I miss sex.” One of my closest friends was once a prostitute and she gave me the best quote ever for this sort of idea for a relationship. She said “most men come to prostitutes and relationships because they are just too lazy to masturbate.” I shared this with my client and she laughed until she cried. “you are so right.” The more you exercise the more you enjoy sex, and the less lazy you become to masturbate. It’s not a contradiction, or an either or, it’s about vitality and libido. If you feel that your life is inspired (thinking from inspiration and heart levels of intuition) you will get horny, but if you aren’t getting exercise, daily vigorous exercise, you start thinking that you need sex. Mostly, you just need an orgasm. Go on, admit it. So, exercise frees you up to meet a partner and share sex in a great loving space instead of fulfilling a physical need. Physical sex is nice but that’s not going to bring a great person into your life, it’s going to bring a replacement masturbator – vibrator – who walks and talks. That’s fine, as long as you aren’t looking for more. Nature loves sex, every specie on the planet does it. Animals do it from instinct, remember that’s the human equivalent of “gut feel”. So if you want love, then bring your animal instinct along and enjoy the celebration of nature but there is so much more and rather than base the relationship on your laziness, maybe it’s better to base it on your spirit, your vision, inspiration and purpose in a self sustaining, horny environment. Remember, nature grows anything that’s fulfilling its purpose and as long as your relationship is linked to you vision, inspiration and purpose, your relationship will be a sexy, emotionally romantic, inspirational love nest. So, for goodness sake, go for exercise, not in a gym unless you are in Iceland, go outside and get fresh air, ski, run, jump, dance, cycle, paddle, walk, skip, bend, twist and do it around trees that oxygenate your body. Don’t go to classes and gyms that are indoor. You’ll blow most of the magnetism flirting and comparing. Get outside and expand your horizon with nature then bring home the hormones and the libido to your work, your love for life and your sexy new partner.
The Number 6. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Poor attention to environment (see next chapter)
The Number 7. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Worry and stress
Thinking too much makes you are total bore, both to yourself and others. Thinking too much turns into talking too much. Talking too much turns into thinking too much The antidote is to STFU.. I will not expand that acronym but the first word is shut, the second is the and the last is up. You need silence, Silence is what you need in order to allow another mind – body energy to experience yours. If you are always hypothesising, sprouting your wisdom, sharing your deep profound insights or worrying about work or your hair, you are going to crowd out the space, fill it with noise and become your own worst enemy. You want magnetism? You want powerful energy between you and others? Shut up…. listen more than speak, never speak about yourself. Ask questions. Keep some of your wisdom and knowledge and information back, Many, many of my business clients get paid a fortune to think a lot. That thinking can be proactive and inspired or it can be worry. You can’t have one without the other because, there are two sides to everything. So there’s no on or off switch to thinking. You can’t stop thinking. All you can do is think smart, think dumb, think worry, think stress and or think inspired. If you can think more inspired then there are fewer words, more profound connection and the experience is magnetic. If you think dumb, emotional, gut feel then you suck people’s energy because you are draining your own just opening your mouth. This is about as far separate from nature as you can get because this is the highest point of the emotional intelligence, a separate “self actualised” space. That’s separation extreme. It might make you feel important and confident but it sucks, anything that makes you separate, eventually sucks and puts you into an emotional funk. What creates emotion causes all emotional problems. You can’t have good and wonderful emotional experiences without their opposite. When you are connected to nature and others, you have less emotional swings because something is more important that following your emotions. They are very unreliable. Follow nature’s guide instead.
The Number 8. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Time poor for silence
I get letters and emails from people complaining that their life is hectic, they are time poor. I write back and say “count your lucky stars because love needs intensity.” Anyone in a great relationship is busy. Being busy can be a real stress or you can choose to throw away that “poor me” busy language and insert, inspired, instead. Inspired in life, inspired by nature you are full. You don’t sit around drinking gin and tonics wasting your valuable life, You read, you play, you do and when you stop for silence you do it with intensity, not sitting on a deck chair wasting your own and your partner’s life. What’s the difference between poor me I’m busy and whoopee lucky me, I’m inspired and in love? The answer is nothing. They are exactly the same but one is seen as a curse and a mad scramble to get things done with a bludgeoning panic and overwhelm and the other causes a need for prioritisation, time management, mindfulness, and a commitment never ever to be late. I remember a night I went out for a romantic dinner with a lady I was seeing. We had been dating and sleeping together for a few months but I was more into it than she was. She was still attached to her past and was working her way through it at a snail pace. We arranged to meet at a local restaurant at 7.00pm. she was late, and lived nearby, so at 7.20pm, 20 minutes late, I got them to hold the table and walked up toward her apartment. And there she was, half way between the restaurant and her home, standing on a street corner, talking to a friend on the phone. It was a playful conversation, not an emergency. I was a bit pissed but just stood politely and waited. After another five minutes she looked up and saw me, and got such a shock. Now, 30 minutes late for her dinner with me and no excuse.
We walked together back to the restaurant but I knew we were not in a healthy space. Her respect for my time was revealed in her abuse of it. But I’m not a victim. She was actually demonstrating that I wasn’t valuing my time going out with her. And it was true. The only one of us commitment to the value of our time together was me. And therefore her magnetism was low. I was trying to win her over and that was fine but when it comes to fighting against her disrespect for our time together, it wasn’t healthy. They are one in the same thing. Time value is life value. To be magnetic, turn busy into intensity and time into moments of connection. Never lose that and you will automatically be attractive. And if your partner can’t turn up, turn it off. They won’t value it if you don’t. Nature guarantees it.
The Number 9. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Too much internet and TV
You can be anyone you want on Facebook. You can be a Greenpeace activist, a sport fanatic, a save the children leader and a yogi. All this while sitting in your lounge room watching TV. You can become a legend in your own lunch box on the internet. It makes you hard to live with because ironically you are going to want to have your partner treat you like your “friends” like you on Facebook In other words you want them to believe that what you say is more a truth than what you do. Get off the frigging internet if you want a relationship deal with real. It’s easy to watch TV and think you are living, you are not living when you watch TV. If you watch TV with your partner you are not in a relationship. You are in a TV sitting next to someone. If you sit on the internet you are in a relationship with the internet. It’s not life. Don’t let it confuse you. In 20 years they will recognise that TV is sending people mad. It is a toxin. It is sending you out of your heart and into your gut. There is nothing wrong with being in your gut as long as there is a whole keyboard of intuition, all the way from the bottom “gut” to the top “inspiration.” but TV is not a whole keyboard. The shows target your GUT – they show every low extreme of polarity of emotion. Low to low. That’s no place to go. The most important thing in TV is story. Stories are wonderful, they entertain and encourage us. But they are emotional intelligence and unintelligence. The full spectrum of empathy, compassion, sympathy and hate. So, that’s where you resonate when you watch TV. No problem? Well if you watch TV and go to bed you resonate at emotional unintelligence and your thoughts go there in your night. You drift in and out of story and you might think this is wonderful but then you might also ask why your life is not inspired, why your love is in decline and why you might be putting on weight and never ever link it to the vibration of TV. But I’d suggest that’s the first thing to break. The addiction to the “idiot box” as we used to call it. If you go to anywhere in the world where people are in struggle, poverty, violence, addiction and obesity, and measure the time they spend in front of TV you’d be shocked. Those people could learn a trade or a skill or an art but no, the TV is their life and their life is not good. This is bloody important. I’m not hammering entertainment, or the internet or TV. I’m hammering the complaints people make that their life is in the shit and their relationship isn’t romantic or who are fattening up like a prize bull and who still sit and watch TV too much. My suggestion is one hour a day. My suggestion is to get off Facebook unless it’s business. My suggestion is to pre-record TV shows and cut out the adds. My suggestion is to read the news, not watch it. My suggestion is to be the comedy not tune into it. I have many suggestions. They are not about right or wrong, no need to get upset, just recognise the correlation between wealth, quality of life, inner peace, heart, inspiration, romance and success and not watching too much of the “idiot box.” Do it instead of watching it.
The Number 10. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Being alone
If you would love someone to love being with you, you best get used to liking being with you. That means meditating. Yup, meditating. So, I will quickly give you a slice of meditation here because there is a lot of options in meditation and most of them make your life worse rather than better. Firstly, please get past the idea that in meditation you close your eyes. That’s not meditation. That’s something else that will send you crazy in the end, and certainly down into your gut although it might feel like into your nirvana. Second, you don’t have to sit cross legged with your fingers all curled up, you can do it walking down the street although you might need to be mindful of your speed because you will not have a grip on how fast or slow you’ll be walking. Third, if your posture is crooked, then you’ll meditate crooked and end up all bent out of shape, meaning in your emotional unintelligence. So, we’re progressing. Next, you don’t need to be spiritual or have a spiritual motive. You can simply want to learn to love being with you so someone else will. Next you need to be intense, not wallowing in bliss but really time precious, focussed and deliberate. All that ho hum meditation is about relaxation so, that’s not meditation, it’s relaxation. Are you still with me? Next you must be able to become aware of sound, sight, feel, smell and taste all at once. This is called “Yoke” and you are yoking if you don’t do it… (joke there)… Finally, instead of developing a sense of self based on you and how great you are for being in meditation, you start to feel that you are connected to things, people, places, and everything. In other words you lose your “self” image and gain a bigger experience of being the water, the sky, the earth, the ant. Actually, if you really get into it, meditation can be done 24/7 because you can feel this sense of connection continuously, even while making love, fishing, playing tennis or working at your desk. So, rather than learn meditation so you can do more, you learn it so you can do less. You learn meditation – I call nature’s meditation, mobile meditation, so life becomes it. You are doing it by living it. Then there is no separation between you and your partner, nor anyone else for that matter. Or between you and a telegraph pole. You lose your identity and ultimately gain, flexibility. This is the real flexibility of yoga not the mysterious obsession people have with sticking their leg egotistically behind their head, no matter if you put your head up your bum, you are not more enlightened than a fat man sitting in a spa tub.
The Number 11. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
If early in life loving one or both of your caretakers left you feeling undervalued, then you may unintentionally pick undependable or inattentive lovers who tend to dismiss your needs or emotional experiences. It can be intoxicating to meet a person who triggers old love patterns. What was once a powerless child who felt at the mercy of an inattentive caregiver becomes a powerful adult who, with an inattentive partner, has the hope and wish they he will magically change his inattentive ways for her, because he sees her as worthy and special. Sadly the intrigue and allure that he will become something she has never before experienced gives way, and she is left feeling once again hopeless about finding real love. When you do date someone who is directly loving toward you or genuinely interested in knowing the real you, you may not feel the ‘spark’ simply because he does not match your early learning history and resulting neuronal wiring. Push yourself out of your comfort zone; get to know new types of people—even if at first they do not elicit the intense chemistry and intrigue to which you have become accustomed.