From the moment you are born you start to develop a set of priorities. These change over time. They are called your values. When you feel in control of your top three values your self-worth goes up. If by some “accident”you lose control of your top three values than your self-worth goes down. Time spent focused on your top three values will be time well rewarded. Time spent on your bottom three values will be time that may be regretted.
Determining your values means knowing yourself. Determining somebody else’s values means knowing them. If you know somebody else’s values you will understand that person’s behaviour. You can trust that a person will always be true to their top three values. If a person promises to be true to their bottom three values then it is unlikely they will be true to their word.
When you are working on something that is aligned with your top three values you feel “engaged.” When you work on things that are aligned with your bottom three values you feel disengaged. It is important to recognise that sometimes you achieve your top three values by working on somebody else’s values. So, when you hear the statement “do what you love and love what you do” it does not always mean that you are working on things that you love or doing things that you love. However, what it does mean is that you are linking what you are doing to what you love and love doing.
Work and your career might be your highest value. But your partner might have relationship as their highest value. If you do not support your partner’s highest value they will not stay with you. But if you don’t work on your highest value you will become disengaged from your own life. So the secret here is to learn how to link time with your partner in relationship to your work and career success. Then you will not feel depreciated spending time with your partner when you would potentially prefer to be doing something with your career.
Mind and this concept of values integrity is a window into the quality of your life but it is also vital to the quality of your stress management. If you are misaligned between what you do and your values and you haven’t been able to link the two then you will have an internal argument that cannot be resolved.
Every single human being in the world is selling something. Whether they are selling an idea, a product, friendship or even a holiday in Spain to their partner, we are all selling something to somebody.
To sell, we work out what other people want and then sell them the solution. We sell them satisfaction. This in turn leads them to a feeling of being in nature, in emotional harmony, in control. So, when we sell things we’re doing a good job.
Why do we sell things? Well we sell things because in doing so, we get what we want. If we sell an idea we might end up with fame or success, if we sell a product we might end up with cash, if we sell friendship we might end up with a warm safe feeling and if we sell a holiday in Spain to our partner we might end up with lots of romance and some fun. In short, by selling people what they want, we get what we want. That, at least, is our expectation.
So, it seems from this summary about selling, that it would be pretty wise to know what we want.
Self worth comes from feeling worthy of having what you want. If you want love but don’t feel worthy of it due to some guilt or fear (emotion) then you won’t have it.
Values Determine the Limit of Your Vision
Self worth is therefore one of the key determinants of whether you are in a good or struggling place in your life.
You can measure your self-worth. It is measured by how much of what you want, you’ve got.
Sometimes we say we want things but don’t have them. Say, a relationship for example. If we say we want a relationship but we’re single then either we don’t feel worthy of what we’re wanting or, alternatively, we really don’t want one.
The more likely answer is that we don’t really want one. This presents us with a dilemma. What do we do when we think we want something but obviously by the lack of it, we must not really want it?
Values are the essence of Your Motivation.
Our values get us out of bed every morning, help us select the work we do, the company we keep, the relationships we build, and, ultimately, the groups and organisations we lead.
Your values influence every decision and move you make, even to the point of how you choose to make your decisions.
From working with people over the past 35 years in personal development and self-help my overwhelming realisation is that 99% of all people’s problems come from confusion about their own values. Let me give you a few examples;
Peter came to me to learn about dealing with his anger. He wanted help because he kept getting angry at people. I could have, naïvely, listened to Peters interpretation of his own diagnostic and proceeded to help him with anger management. But I’ve been down that road with people many times before and although it’s good to learn anger management if you’re angry, it doesn’t solve the problem because if you don’t fix what makes you angry you end up in a cycle simply living to quench the anger that you continually cause. Recognised with Peter that he had a conflict between the values that were intrinsic to him and someone else’s values. That’s enough to make anybody angry. Peter had been through a divorce, been accused of being too macho, blamed his masculinity on the breakup and decided to become an alternative new-age man. Now Peter’s values were torn between being Peter and being an alternative new age man.
Jane came to me because she wanted to resolve conflict in her relationship. Her partner had had an affair. Jane was really upset because she had invested a massive amount of energy in making the relationship work. She’d even given up her career to look after the baby. So far in this story it would be hard to understand why she and her husband would end up in a shambles. but when I started to explore with Jane her real values it turns out that her career was extremely important to her, but she thought that by complying with her husband’s values of her being a stay at home mum she would be more attractive to him and they would live happily ever after. What she didn’t realise was that in conflict between her own values and her husband values Jane had started to sabotage her life. Anything in nature that doesn’t fulfil its purpose (leave according to its true values) gets destroyed.
Some people make a terrible mistake in assuming that by complying with other people’s value set they will firstly make other people happy and secondly be happy of themselves. This is as far from the truth as possibly we can get. You can remember the quote “I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul” and what is a soul? That would be a brave question for me to answer in this context but what I do know is to say that the soul expresses itself through our intrinsic and extrinsic values.
Decision Making Using Values
Another powerful realisation is that we have arranged each of the seven areas of life into a hierarchy of values. Priorities … This is how we make wise decisions.
By knowing our values and their hierarchy we know ourselves. you know from previous writing about the laws of nature that every human being has every human trait. So when we are trying to get to know ourselves is not the different amounts or qualities of our human traits that is the variable rather, its own hierarchy of values and the sequence in which we make choices.
This can be incredibly valuable. If we are confused between what we should do and what we feel authentic about doing we will be in turmoil. For example: when we come to buy clothes we would be able to choose clothing that satisfied our important values, like relationship or work need. That might not be so important otherwise we’ll be at the mercy of the shop keeper and end up with buyers remorse.
Because we know our values hierarchy we would not be completely confused about what criteria to use to choose. But if we didn’t know our values, we would not know whether to spend a fortune or a song on clothing.
Every single decision you make goes through a ranking computer called your brain. The computer has to make a series of decisions in order to prioritise the most important outcome. So for example, you may be thinking of where to take your next annual holiday. You have the following variables; how will this holiday improve your relationship? How will this holiday improve your health? What will this holiday cost? How comfortable will it be to travel there and back? What were your friends think about it? Will you be able to get some work done while you’re there? Would you be able to do some social services and help the community when you’re there? What is the food like and will you be treated in the lap of luxury? Is it on your bucket list of incredible things you want to do when your life? Will you come back more refreshed and when you left? Now there are another 50 questions that you would have in order to prioritise and come to a conclusion as to which location would suit your holiday. If all of the answers were not positive you would have to do determine which questions were more important than others and this is where your values come in. If you value your relationship the highest of all your priorities then even if it costs a lot of money but fulfils the relationship criteria you will go on that holiday and blow your life savings.
If you don’t know your values you might be confused and ask a friend for some advice. But their advice is based on their values and so they would say oh it’s too expensive if their values raised financial stability over romance. Their values are not wrong or right. Their values are simply their values.
Organisations, families, corporate cultures, communities, nationalities, political parties, football clubs, friendships, races, religions, dance groups, neighbourhoods and more are just different ways of defining groups of people who have, at some level, common values. The interesting part is when somebody starts saying to us “you should do this” and what they are saying is that their values are more important than your values. It is also interesting to hear when you start saying to yourself “I should do this or that” which means some part of you is projecting onto yourself externally imposed values to override your natural value set.
Today we are dealing with the surface and understanding your values and therefore be able to help you come to authentic simplicity with your decision processes and the choices you make in your life. Once you know your values you can work toward your values. You can also prioritise your values by working on your top three values you build your self-worth.
When we honour our values, we feel alive and vital. When we ignore them, we feel forced, unnatural, out of step, and un- happy. Over time, we may feel a gradual sense of dull routine accompanied by regret for not following a different strategy.