It has been proven over and over that making a stand for rules, those morals and ethics, does not, in anyway, correlate to obedience. It just drives behaviour underground. It may well turn out that making a stand against some anti social behaviour causes that behaviour to get worse, more sophisticated. Examples proliferate: prohibition, pornography, child slavery, drugs, violence, war, human rights abuse, environmental destruction. All these have been the antithesis of the stand made by the moral righteous and yet, all have increased in sophistication, profitability and proliferation.
It is a false economy of morals and ethics to think that by judging people more and condemning them more, we will stop what we hate. But what do we do if we do not make a stand for or against?
It is important for this question to be satisfied first before we move forward. So I will share an example: In India at a train station the ticket counter was typically created by the British Raj to separate the hordes of Indians travelling in the lowest class of carriage and the English money collector. It is therefore a tiny window through a very thick rock wall. Today, in modern India those same windows serve thousands but no longer the hordes. They serve tourists, wealthy, poor, local, international and dignitary train travellers buying all manner of ticket classes. The ticket collector is now an Indian local but there is still the separation. A push takes place outside that window putting enormous pressure on that rock wall. You get in that throng, holding tight to your money and wallet for fear of pick pockets. You push and push and squeeze and finally get your arm into that little hole in the wall and it’s your turn to speak. You bend down low to hear, you shout your class and destination and hand cash. You get your ticket and you then count your change, and push with force to extricate yourself back out from the throng. Covered in sweat, dirt and handprints you then head for the waiting area and catch your train.
Each time a train comes, hundreds miss out because they didn’t push hard or because they arrived late. So, imagine what would happen if, instead of getting to the window and shoving your arm through to secure your ticket, you simply, retracted your arm and removed yourself from the push and went to the airport and caught a plane instead. You know that someone would take your place in the train crush spontaneously and the push would continue. There is an endless supply of those needing tickets for the train.
It is the same when making a “moral stand” if you stop, someone else takes your place.
So the worry that there will not be a moral advocate to take your place can be put to rest. The queue is long. And, given that you step away from a stand means that someone on the opposite side can step away from their action. For every stand there is an oppistand, So, for every moral advocate preaching high moral standard there is a counterbalancing effect of causing someone to do the direct opposite. You cause more change when you stop making a stand and reconnect.
How to Reconnect
You might say, “what is the benefit of not making a moral stand” and the answer is profoundly demonstrated here.
All moral and ethical stands separate us from those who contradict our stand. If we say “I hate pedophiles” or “I hate thieves” it seems easy to bundle people into those categories and hate them. But what would happen if we unbundled those people? And this is where the importance of not separating ourselves from others by making moral stands against them, becomes of vital importance.
Let me take the thief. I might make a moral stand and say “I hate thieves and drug dealers.” what do I imply. I imply that I am not those things, neither a drug dealer nor a thief. It is a presumption that, at some level I am righteous, and they are wrong. Can such an imbalance be real? Can there be a right person who is not wrong? Can there be a person who obeys without faltering the “ten commandments.” The answer is “in public yes. In their entirety, no.”
Let me list the qualities of the thief.
- Doesn’t care about hurting people
- Takes what is not theirs
- Betrays trust
- Causes pain
- Intimidates security
- Invades privacy
- Shatters comfort
- Costs money
So there are just a few of the “bad” we might unbundle that thief as having caused and therefore justify our separation from the thief. But are we really immune from those behaviours ourselves? Or are we actually judging in the thief what we judge in ourselves?
Lets go through them:
- Doesn’t care about hurting people… I can ask 1,000 people if they care about hurting people and they will righteously say they do care … but what if I demonstrate that: driving a car pollutes the air and kills babies. What if I say that buying plastic in any form causes pollution both air and water that kills sea life, babies and older people. What if I say that turning on electricity in the home uses power generated by coal that causes global warming and kills Nepalese children. What if I say that our parents died younger than they could have lived because we didn’t care, from time to time, about hurting them. What if we left an ex partner, hurt them, but we met our new love because we hurt the last. What about getting discounts or selling things to people that aren’t in perfect condition for too much money. What if in reducing our taxes we deprive a street person of warmth. What if all the clothes in our cupboard we need half and those spare things could warm a street kid and help them get off the suicidal road of drugs and alcohol. What if by eating organic food we are making our family’s immune system weak and therefore causing them pain. Bottom line I could write an entire book to prove that you and I are (even in a million small doses that add up to the total) the first quality we might hate in a thief.
- Takes what is not theirs. You might say “I’d never do that” so I could ask, “do you know the origin of everything you’ve ever bought? like that Tibetan rug? Maybe that’s not authentic. Have you ever taken an idea, a brand, a parking spot? Have you taken money for work you didn’t do? Have you taken time from people and wasted their life? Have you caused stress and taken health that’s not yours? Have you ever taken credit that’s not yours? There are millions and millions of windows that show that in a micro sense you do what you judge.
- Lets jump – Costs people money… Have you ever sold, borrowed, talked someone into something that costs them money? Had a car accident that costs people work time? Ever caused people, parents stress that costs them medical bills? Have you convinced people to spend money, take a holiday or move jobs that bettered their life but cost them money? Have you sold someone something that cost them money? And really, they got benefit but lost money. The money ends up in your pocket.
The system under which we function has at it’s heart the idea that you are bad until you be good. And then there’s someone between you and the universe (a high priest, minister, doctor, lawyer, author or self help guru) who can teach you how to be everything except all the things you don’t like in others.
That’s a great model.
It means that people travel from one side of the earth to the other looking for information to support their belief that some part of the world is bad and some part is good, some part of themselves is bad and some part is good. They search until they find a teacher, therapist, guru to agree.
Have you ever seen a person in a book shop leafing through the pages of a book contemplating whether to buy it? Well they are looking for things that agree with their expectations. They are not looking for news that contradicts their beliefs. Ironically, people who are struggling with life satisfaction look for books that agree with what they think is the problem so they can change. It’s like eating pizza in order to lose weight.
Rationalisation is the usual response to the challenge to remove this boundary of self and other. “oh yeah, but they did it worse than me” or “no, I do it but not to that degree.” and it’s true. You are probably not an axe murderer, but if I add up all the feelings you’ve chopped through, all the expectations you’ve chopped, all the hopes and dreams you’ve chopped off, and all the people whose lives are not the same because you cut off their paths in certain friendly or unfriendly ways, you might find yourself with more in common with an axe murderer than you expect.
And then the argument will always be from those who choose righteousness and superiority over humility and connectedness. The argument will be “ahh but I did it accidentally whereas the axe murderer did it intentionally.” And that’s a great point. One that really does separate you from that axe murderer.
So there are the insane. Those that have no remorse. But there are axe murderers who can justify their crime. They can say, “he stole my wife” or “he kept abusing me” or “I was drunk” and the whole thing becomes a moment of bad choices, stupidity, ignorance and or rage. Have you had such moments? I know one person who accidentally ran over a cyclist … if the axe murderer didn’t pick up the axe or the driver didn’t start the engine, none of that would have happened. It’s so easy to be righteous, but the cost of separation from one person on earth, is the cost to the individual in the price of real separation from life, nature, love and intimacy.
Self and other separation is convenient. Not everyone appreciates the parallel to the axe murderer, but, most judgements we make about people are not so blatant or clear. We judge a sister for not being healthy, a brother for not doing as we would do, a friend for turning up late for dinner or a neighbour for being careless with language. Most of our judgements and separations are small habitual separations that, like a virus, operate below the surface of our reality. We just get so used to separation we can’t even recognise it and therefore we change everything in our lives except the cause of our life satisfaction decline.
Bible: Whatever we judge in others is in us
Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2″For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3″Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?…
For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged,…. Both by God and men; to which agree those proverbial sentences used by the Jews;
2. For with what judgments ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete—whatever standard of judgment ye apply to others.
it shall be measured to you again—This proverbial maxim is used by our Lord in other connections—as in Mr 4:24, and with a slightly different application in Lu 6:38—as a great principle in the divine administration. Unkind judgment of others will be judicially returned upon ourselves, in the day when God shall judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ. But, as in many other cases under the divine administration, such harsh judgment gets self-punished even here. For people shrink from contact with those who systematically deal out harsh judgment upon others—naturally concluding that they themselves may be the next victims—and feel impelled in self-defense, when exposed to it, to roll back upon the assailant his own censures.
Ancient Egypt – What we Judge We Create (children), Attract (boss partner) or Become.
Projection is a fascinating phenomenon they failed to teach most of us about in school. It is an involuntary transfer of our own unconscious behaviour onto others, so it appears to us that these qualities actually exist in the other people. When we have anxiety about our emotions or unacceptable parts of our personalities, we attribute these qualities -as a defence mechanism- to external objects and other people. When we have little tolerance for others, for example, we are likely to attribute the sense of our own inferiority to them. Of course, there’s always a “hook” that invites our projection. Some imperfect quality in other people activates some aspect of ourselves that wants our attention. So whatever we don’t own about ourselves we project onto other people.
We see only that which we are. I like to think of it in terms of energy. Imagine having a hundred different electrical outlets on your chest. Each outlet represents a different quality. The qualities we acknowledge and embrace have cover plates over them. They are safe: no electricity runs through them. But the qualities that are not okay with us, which we have not yet owned, do have a charge. So when others come along who act out one of these qualities they plug right into us. For example, if we deny or are uncomfortable with our anger, we will attract angry people into our lives. We will suppress our own angry feelings and judge people whom we see as angry. Since we lie to ourselves about our own internal feelings, the only way we can find them is to see them in others. Other people mirror back our hidden emotions and feelings, which allows us to recognise and reclaim them.
We instinctively draw back from our own negative projections. It’s easier to examine what we are attracted to than what repels us. If I am offended by your arrogance it is because I’m not embracing my own arrogance. This is either arrogance that I am now demonstrating in my life and not seeing, or arrogance that I deny I am capable of demonstrating in the future. If I am offended by arrogance I need to look closely at all areas of my life and ask myself these questions: When have I been arrogant in the past? Am I being arrogant now? Could I be arrogant in the future? It would certainly be arrogant of me to answer no to these questions without really looking at myself, or without asking others if they have ever experienced my being arrogant. The act of judging someone else is arrogant, so obviously all of us have the capacity to be arrogant. If I embrace my own arrogance, I won’t be upset by someone else’s. I might notice it, but it won’t affect me. My arrogance outlet will have a cover plate on it. It is only when you’re lying to yourself or hating some aspect of yourself that you’ll get an emotional charge from someone else’s behaviour.
New Age – When we judge others we are judging ourselves.
We project our own perceived shortcomings onto others. We say to others what we should be saying to ourselves. When we judge others we are judging ourselves. If you constantly beat yourself up with negative thoughts, you will either beat up on the people around you – verbally, emotionally, or physically – or you will beat up on yourself by destroying some area of your own life. What you do and what you say is no accident. There are no accidents in the life that you create. In this holographic world, everyone is you and you are always talking to yourself.
As long as we deny the existence of certain traits in ourselves, we continue to perpetuate the myth that others have something we don’t possess. When we admire someone, it is an opportunity to find yet another aspect of ourselves. We have to take back our positive projections as well as our negative projections. We have to remove the plugs we’ve attached to others, turn them around, and plug them back into ourselves. Until we are able to retrieve our projections it is impossible for us to see our full potential and experience the totality of who we really are.
There is an old saying, “It takes one to know one.” We see in others what we like and don’t like in ourselves. If we embrace these parts of ourselves we will be able to see others as they are, not as we see them through our cloud of projection. There is another saying that the three greatest mysteries of the world are air to birds, water to fish, and man unto himself. We are able to see everything in front of us in the outside world. All we have to do is open our eyes and look around. We cannot see ourselves. We need a mirror to see ourselves. You are my mirror and I am yours.
You are my mirror and I am yours.
Buddhism and Judgement
If we look with the eyes of a Buddha, we will see the heart of a Buddha.“ The eyes of a Buddha sees everything as clean and immaculate. The only thing getting in the way of us viewing the world with the eyes of a Buddha is the mind that condemns and judges. The mind of meditation and the practice of the Buddhist Precepts softens our harsh judgments and strong opinions and helps our heart and mind to be more open and see everything with balance, more acceptance and compassion.
We can view our opinions as being reality and believing in their truth. But all opinions are based on only a partial view and we can never know everything. This means that we can never know when we will see something that we were previously unaware of. This new insight can completely change the way we view and judge something. This also means whenever we are certain of our opinions or judgments, we can still be wrong. It does not mean we ignore the judgmental mind; it means we should not let that faculty of judging and discriminating dominate us. We want to approach everything in our life with an open mind that recognises that we could be wrong. The mind of Buddhist training is not obsessed with being right or being perfect.
We generally begin Buddhist training with a mind that is caught up in its likes and dislikes, in its opinions and views. This mind places us firmly in samsara, (trouble and distress) as it is a mind that cannot escape the first Noble Truth:suffering exists. The mind that is always judging everything and grasping opinions is the foundation of the delusionary small, separated self. Yet it is necessary, normal and functional that we evaluate and discriminate when we are making the endless decisions that are needed for living.
It is a vital that we use our intelligence to help us navigate this often confusing and complex world and make the best choices we can. Yet the problem lies in that we let this useful function, the part of our mind that generates and holds judgments and opinions, take over and dominate our mind and our heart. One way of viewing meditation and mindfulness practice is that we are allowing our minds and hearts to stay in touch with a sense of stillness, silence and spaciousness and not allowing our judgments and opinions to dominate, shrink and fill us. We want to view everything with equanimity and peace. It is good to notice how our hard judgments and strong opinions lead to a sense of conflict and a rejection of what we are facing in our life.
It is very difficult to convert these strongly held viewpoints and opinions. One reason is that it gives us a sense of superiority to look at others and judge them. We know the way things should be, whether it is the behaviour of other people, the way the world is, or how we should be. It is helpful to look at this critical mind and see how it feels and where it brings us. It never brings us to real happiness and joy, nor real peace and contentment.
Metaphysics – Are You Absolutely Positive?
Society, religion, and some philosophies share a huge collective myth that one day we’ll reach a point where our negative or dark side will disappear and we’ll all be perfect, peaceful, and happy. This is not going to happen.
There is elated positive thinking and depressed negative thinking, and right between the two is present and loving thinking.
Nature knows this; the divine order uses both humiliating and pride-building circumstances to make sure you don’t stray too far from your heart. You’re not the victim, you’re the creator of your own healing process, and you determine how long it takes by how quickly you get the lesson.
You’re given all your balanced qualities for a reason—to help you manifest your destiny. To clear false expectations on a reality demands two sides.
You’re not here to be a one-sided being; you’re here to embrace both sides of yourself. We’re here to be whole beings, and positive and negative are the two sides to teach us that we are connected to everything, everyone. We are what we judge.
Sacred Love – Arguments
Are arguments bad? No, they’re telling you that somebody loves you and wants to regulate space, time, energy, and matter with you. Everyone has a running checklist on their relationship with you and perceptions of imbalance have the power to close the heart.
A moment of presence is more powerful than hours of impatient half attention. Love is a chargeless field, unlimited or infinite. Give space and you get love; give love and you get space. Try it and see.
When you love someone, you’re the nicest and the meanest to them. You support and challenge, you’re pleasant and unpleasant, you lift them up and put them down, you do things for them and ignore them. Those are the two sides of love.
Along with love, war is also an essential part of wholeness and well-being. Half the time you need a good war in your relationship. Conflict and competition are necessary for growth. We’re not here to have only peace; we’re here to have both sides of life’s coin. So if you have a conflict in your relationship, don’t think, Uh-oh, my relationship is failing. No, it’s growing! It’s challenging you, making you look at yourself. When you self-inspect, change your beliefs and the way you handle things, and learn how to master communicating in terms of the other person’s values, you grow.
They’d come to the centre as well; if you’re truly in you heart, they can’t resist.
Love cannot be rejected, but expectation will certainly be. Most people confuse love with expectation. You can’t avoid having expectations and opinions, but to get stuck in them is to stop your growth. Innerwealth was created to help you transcend your rigid opinions and birth love, and then dissolve your next opinions and birth love, and keep expanding as a human being.
Whatever you love turns into what you would most love it to be. If you try to fix or change somebody, they’ll resist; but if you honour and thank them for who they are, as they are, and love them for who they are, they’ll assist. When you love people for who they are, they turn into whom you love.
The Secret – Obsessed with the Self
Bible verses are misquoted. Ray, “an expert on many Eastern, indigenous, and mystical traditions,” says: “Here’s the question I want you to consider—do you treat yourself the way that you want other people to treat you?” Ray’s twist on the Golden Rule becomes the ultimate form of self-centeredness. Oh, and you can attend Ray’s “harmonic wealth weekend” for only $997. Somebody has figured out how to attract wealth to himself.
The Secret, you see, is all about the self—it’s for the self, obsessed with the self.Newsweek offers this critique: “On an ethical level, The Secret appears deplorable. It concerns itself almost entirely with a narrow range of middle-class concerns—houses, cars, and vacations, followed by health and relationships, with the rest of humanity a very distant sixth.”
Professor Robert Thompson of Syracuse University says: “The Secret promises this heaven on Earth in one fell swoop by simply desiring something, by simply wanting it. It’s amazing how we really are a nation of, at best, great optimists, at worst, real suckers.”
What The Secret reveals is that so many people are so desperately unhappy that they will snatch up anything offering hope—or simply offering quick and easy wealth. My question is, who will be there to pick up the pieces when they discover that they bought into a lie? And who will help the people who believe that they brought every misfortune on themselves because they sent negative thoughts and feelings out into the universe like a human radio transmitter?
Deepak Chopra – Reconnecting
The essential nature of the universe is the coexistence of opposites. You cannot be virtuous if you do not have the capacity for evil. You cannot be wise if you do not have an inner fool. And you cannot be generous if you do not have a stingy person inside you. In fact, the most enlightened people are those who accept their own ambiguity and full potential for light and dark. As the Vedic seers observed, “The measure of your enlightenment is your level of comfort with your own paradoxes.”
Everyone we see in the world is a reflection of ourselves, and the traits we see most clearly in others are the ones that are strongest in ourselves. This is called the mirror of relationship and it is a powerful tool for emotional freedom.
When we have a strong negative reaction to someone, we can be certain that they’re reflecting traits that we also possess but have been unwilling to embrace. We spend so much time denying that we have a dark side, and then end up projecting these denied qualities onto other people. For the same reason, we are attracted to certain people because they have the same traits that we have, only more so. This exercise will help you embrace the coexistence of opposites within yourself:
Step One: Think about someone you find attractive. On the left side of a piece of paper, list ten or more qualities that you love in that person. Write quickly. The secret is to not give your conscious mind time to edit your thoughts. You can put down as many qualities as you wish, but don’t stop until you have at least ten.
Step Two: Now focus on somebody who totally irritates you, annoys you, or makes you uncomfortable in some way. Why does this person infuriate you so much? On the right side of the paper, list ten or more of their undesirable qualities.
Step Three: Look at your list for the person you find attractive and circle the three qualities that you find most appealing about him or her. Then look at the list on the right side of the paper and circle the three qualities you find most repulsive. Now read the six words you circled out loud. You are all of these qualities. Once you see yourself in others, you will find it much easier to connect with them and maintain emotional wellbeing.
Dealing with Judgements
In the codes of good life practice you will hear the suggestion “do no judge others” – but that is impossible. If you do not judge others you may trust a murderer to take your life. We judge and that is a fact of life and when religion or ethics try to tell us not to judge they are giving us an impossible task, and encouraging us to lie. We judge.
We judge because it is human and important to judge. If we do not judge we do not understand the world. We see the world through those judgements. But if we judge others as better or worse than us, it is going to separate us from them in a fundamentally critical way and leave us, separated from nature as well.
You are what you judge. This can help you move past the self raising superiority that can cause you separation from nature. If you see a person who has done something to harm another human and you accuse them of being evil or bad, you are also pointing three fingers back at yourself and saying”when I hurt people, I am evil and bad.” This idea most people understand as the ego.
If you look at someone and think “they are fantastic compared to me” then you are saying you are less, inferior. This is not at all healthy and can separate you from nature as well.
You are wiser to see yourself in others. If you need help doing this then take heart, most people struggle with the idea.
Every human trait has it’s counter trait. If you are good then there is bad in you. If you are peaceful then there is war in you. The negative sides to many positive traits are often disguised by public persona’s … the person we show the world is often all that we like in ourselves and the person we show ourselves is all that we dislike.
What we dislike in ourselves we breed, attract or become. Nature is committed to you. She will bring you, either in what you breed – your children – or what you attract – your partner, boss or the news on TV or you’ll start to act out your most judged quality. Either way, nature brings you what you judge, so you can embrace it.
It is easy for a person who is separated from nature to become identified with the “I” ness of themselves. Then, they are not others. They can judge race, colour, religion, behaviour, sex and more. This separation causes a pain and that pain causes an anger and that anger can turn to hate. And hate and anger lead to fear. It is not the best way to live. I have a new book on Itunes iBooks coming out in the next 48 hours to explain this concept further.
If you need help on this contact me, Chris Walker here.